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» One Touch Football - Archive » Football » It's not what Liverpool do etc Part 94 (Page 1)

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Author Topic: It's not what Liverpool do etc Part 94
wingco
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When I first heard that these American fellers, Penn and Gillette had bought Liverpool off of our David Moores, I had two thoughts – first, I thought, at last, someone's gonna bring the magic back to Liverpool Football Club. Not just the magic but the passion, the glory, the money, the heart and the money, and the passion, the money and the money. Second, it was dead sound to see a loveable local Liverpool la' like our David, one of our own, make a bob or two. Maybe he can put his feet up now, open a chippy or whatever, go on, la' you deserve it after all you've done for Liverpool Football Club. David Moores – there was a man fit to wear the suit. So I was all for it, me. Here were the owners who could lead us, walking tall, as a team, as a people, into the River Mersey, our spiritual home.

Turns out these Penn Gillette fellers were friggin' Yanks all along! Americans! They're Red haters the Americans! Russians, and that – and look what they did to the Red Indians! Well, now they're doing the same to us. Only what Penn and Gillette are doing to us, the Scouse race, is a lot lot worse than what the Americans did to the Red Indians. We've been, literally, raped and displaced. We may not even have a place in the Champions League next season, our spiritual home, our connection to the true earth. And let me tell you, a Scouser without his Champions Leagues place is like a Red Indian without a wigwam. At least them Red Indians had wigwams.

This club, the club that goes by the name of Liverpool Football Club where men fit to wear the shirt walk tall in their hearts, has fallen into the wrong hands. We've gorrer get things right on the pitch, get the formation right, whether it's Carragher playing a holding midfield role alongside Gerrard (0-2-0) Gerrard dropping back to the back four to play alongside Carragher (2-0-0), or Carragher playing in behind Gerrard upfront (0-1-1) or Carragher and Gerrard twinning up as two out and out attackers (0-0-2), we've gorrer get it right. We've had some terrific results recently – holding the likes of Villa, Wigan and Luton to hard fought draws, results of high drama and passion, the quality of which reminds you of Brookside at its finest. But we Scousers, we deserve better, us.

Big part of the problem is the feller we've got in charge now. He's not from here. Never has been. His ways are not our ways. He thinks different, talks different. I mean, fancy putting Peter Kay in charge of Liverpool Football Club. He's from Bolton. That's not Liverpool, by a long chalk. I wouldn't drink the water in Bolton, me. God knows how they treat their donkeys.

See, in the old days, we did it different. When Bill Shankly resigned, his assistant Bob Paisley took over. When Bob Paisley retired, he was took over by Joe Fagin, Bill Shankly's assistant's assistant. Then after that, we got in Roy Evans, who was Bill Shankly's assistant's assistant's assistant. It was the chain. That all stopped that, and that's when we stopped winning European Clubs and playing friggin' FC Shtkrknk or friggin' Young Hot Racing Boys of Berne FC in the friggin' UEFA Cup every season. If we'd kept up that system, kept it all in house, among our own, not strangers, but handed it down and down, then by now our manager would be Mrs Gladys Allsop, whose been working man and girl in the staff canteen for 40 years now. She should be manager. The chain. She'd see that Stevie G went out onto that pitch with a buttie in his belly, as well as hope, pride and heart, that's for sure.

As for who's gonna own the club, well, we've gorrer kick out the Yanks. I suggest we get in a consortium of Stan Boardman, Tom O' Connor and Jimmy Tarbuck. They'll have made enough between them, quality comedians like that don't go short of a bob or two. They could probably put down, say, £30,000 between them, as good faith, like, and the Government should pay the rest like they did for the friggin' Geordies at Northern Rock. Why not? What have the Geordies ever done for this country apart from hang that monkey? Nothing. We have brought this country its finest comedians, its finest pop groups and its finest tragedies, we deserve better. The city that gave the world Margi Clarke and the phrase “my arse” deserves better.

So them's the choices. Boardman, O' Connor and Tarbuck. Or then, of course, there is His Esteemed Holiness, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum, ruler of the worthy and exalted dynasty Dubai, noble venerator of the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), to whom we faithful approach on bended knee in humble supplication to deliver us from the Great Satan. He'll do, so long as he doesn't turn out to be some sort of bloody Arab. Liverpool!

[ 23.01.2008, 10:35: Message edited by: wingco ]

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My name is Mumpo
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That was hilarious, Wingco. In fact, everything you come out with is funny. Are you sure you're not from Liverpool?
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Don Malhumorado
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Hahahaha. It's funny cos it's true.
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Paxton Sprout
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any chance of a spin-off 'Its not what they do' series on Newcastle Geordie Ethos FC?
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hobbes
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quote:
and the Government should pay the rest like they did for the friggin' Geordies at Northern Rock.
World class...
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tratorello
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quote:
She'd see that Stevie G went out onto that pitch with a buttie in his belly, as well as hope, pride and heart, that's for sure
That line nearly made me choke, excellent stuff as always Wingco.
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gt3
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Genius
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garcia en dolor
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brilliant wingco.
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Diggedy Derek
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brilliant
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The Batebe of Toro Foundation
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I think I laughed up my hip-bone somewhere in that last para.
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Spearmint Rhino
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Kick us when we're down, why don't you.

I wish I was clever enough or funny enough to write a mock-diary of an Arsenal supporter.

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GIK
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Wipes tears from eyes.

Superb.

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Wolf 2
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I thought someone was actually going to reach out to me on the bus. To see if I was alright. In England. On public transport. That's how much that post made me snort as I failed to supress my giggles.
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Robin Carmody
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Marvellous. And I echo the calls for a Newcastle equivalent.

You ought to have had a bit about the Beatles as some kind of opposites/opponents to everything that is signified by the club's American ownership, though.

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and I am the life
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great stuff. Here's a pale imitation.

Over the years, supporters have flown and even driven thousands of miles to watch the Reds in action, and spent amounts of money they’d rather not think about. We’ve seen real tragedies, tragedies that still, two decades later, make grown men cry. We’ve also seen glory and happiness that other supporters can only dream about. To differing extents, Liverpool FC dominates the supporters’ lives. The club isn’t something that can be bought. You can buy the stadium, choose which manager to employ and whether to support or undermine him, you can decide which players you want to sell, you can even demand the kit changes colour. But you can’t buy the club, because the club includes the supporters, it includes the spirit of Shankly, Paisley and Fagan - and it will fight back.

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