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Author Topic: Post-Urinal remarks
Don Malhumorado
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I managed to blag an invite to the opening of swanky new bar 'Bar Cuba' last night. And this is as VIP as Lancaster gets. It was strictly invite only, and the place was rammed choc full of Lancaster's glitterati. And me. Indeed, so unlikely was my arrival, I was stopped for severe questionning by the door staff as to how and why I had been invited.

It was a good point. How had I got in there? The place is lush. Bar Cuba though? I'm not sure Fidel would approve of such decandance and oppulent displays of wealth. I know the guy who did the sound and lighting in there, and the two light fittings (I stop short of calling them 'chandelliers' as I can't spell it) cost sxteen grand. EACH. I mean, a lot of money has gone into this bar considering it'll close down within eighteen months.

But anyway, I did a spot of mingling, enjoying a bottle of Peruvian beer - cosquena, I think - chatting to the boss of the door company, to my sound and light engineer mate, a few bar staff from round town, manager of a pizza restaurant, people like that, and decided I needed a piss. So off I trotted to the toilet.

Now, as I entered the gents' I was doubly shocked. Firstly due to the fact they weren't as magnificently decorated as the bar downstairs - a let down (and I maintain the best pub/bar toilets I've ever been in are in the Waterhouse pub in Manchester), and secondly, a rather rich, powerful man about town was stood using the middle of the three urinals, puffing contentedly on a massive cigar (no euphamism).

Toilet ettiquete is clear about this. Never use the urinal directly to the side of a powerful millionaire smoking a cigar. But I laugh in the face of toilet ettiquette, and the two cubicles were locked. So I stepped into position and unleashed the dragon, so to speak.

There was a moment of awkward silence until he turned to me and said "Is this the relief centre?"

"The relief is tangible." I replied. He laughed.

"What do you think of it downstairs?" I hoped and prayed he was reffering to the bar and not, well, you know.

"Errr..." I decided to proceed with caution. As far as I know this guy could have been the owner of the place, "It's very smart. A lot nicer than Brookes (the 'club' Bar Cuba is attached to)."

"Is Brookes open tonight?" He asked. And by this point I was feeling very nervous indeed, the man had been pissing for what seemed an eternity, and I'm never comfortable with men who hang around toilets for a long time.

"Yeah, I would have thought so. It usually is on a friday. Oh, hang on, it's thursday, isn't it? I'm not sure then." By this point I was zipped up, at the basin and washing my hands.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" He boomed manically, "HAHAHA! Us oldies count on young men like you to remember what day it is for us..." He continued, but Icouldn't hear what he was saying as I had left the toilet and was half way down the corridor.

It turned out he wasn't the owner of the place. I met him later as he introduced himself to me.

"Is this the wife?" He asked, nodding to a girl I was talking to. I told him it wasn't and that 'the wife' was at the bar getting 'the drinks'. He looked appalled.

"Letting the wife get the drinks? That's terrible form. Isn't that your job?"

"Listen, there's a whole femininst movement. Decades and decades of fight to get equality. And now they have it, who the fuck am I to take it away from them? I mean, Sufragettes DIED to give 'the wife' the right to buy me a drink..."

He cackled and slapped me on the back. "Mind if I write that one down and use it?"

"By all means." I finished off the remainder of my bottle and walked over to the bar, hoping to good God that I didn't make eye contact with anyone else.

Posts: 14591 | From: Paper Street | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spearmint Rhino
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Talking to anyone in the toilets, even uttering one word, does mean you're gay.
Posts: 23907 | From: the Naughty North to the Sexy South, we're all singing 'I HAVE THE MOUTH!' | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Eggchaser
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And probably a would-be homosexual rapist.
Posts: 6505 | From: the passenger seat of Mr Toad's car, driving-by this thread | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
boris
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Very bad form of the owner chap to use the middle of three urinals, though. Doesn't he know the rules, even if he is the bloody owner.
Posts: 8617 | From: the safe house | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
noj
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I reckon they should just cut out the middle man and pour it straight down the bogs. Eh? Eh?.
Posts: 2740 | From: crisp country | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mighty Mudhsuden
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I went into a toilet once and this ancient-looking old boy said: "don't come in here, son, this is where they take the piss out of you."

I laughed for months, literally.

Posts: 2061 | From: Hackensack... is that all you get for your money? | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The_Liquidator
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As long as they don't employ toilet attendants the place is fine by me.
Posts: 6801 | From: The city to the sticks | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Big Dave's Gusset
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Foolishly breaking every rule of pub toilet protocol, I once asked a bloke who was pissing next to me "Is there an offy round here?". He stopped mid-flow, zipped up, turned to me and said "What?" in a flat, unimpressed, voice, looking like he was ready to punch me in the face really hard.

"Um, an off-licence...is there one round here? I'm going to a party and I need some beer..."

His face suddenly relaxed.

"Ohhhh! I thought you said "Is there enough of you around here?"".

He though I was talking about his cock. How we laughed. I'm like Jodie Foster in Nell when I go into public toilets now.

Posts: 2991 | From: Duck Island | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nocturnal Submission
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I remember reading a post on a Man. Yoo messageboard that went something like this.

Scene: the Old Trafford bogs at half-time. The punters are patiently queuing for a pee when someone comes in, announces that he's can't hold it in and uses a sink to relieve himself, spraying the entire unit in his desperation to unload. Shortly afterwards a rather obnoxious chappy enters the toilet, mouths off a bit, shares the information that he's a bit parched and then goes over to the piss-covered sink, wraps his lips around one of the taps and slakes his thirst.

After he's left there was a long silence, eventually broken by an old boy commenting that "I'd have waited in here all day to see that!"

Posts: 2168 | From: Revelling In The Hole | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
My name is Mumpo
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EIM - if you want a really alarming public lavatory experience, go to the gents in the upper storey of the market. i won't say anything else, other than prepare yourself for a shock.
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Don Malhumorado
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I was back in Cuba on saturday night. Again the manager approached me and asked if I was having fun. I replied that indeed I was. To which he said, "Well, good, but maybe next time you wont get in here dressed like that."

Fucking cock.

Posts: 14591 | From: Paper Street | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Don Malhumorado
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Anyway. I'm off to the market to take a piss.
Posts: 14591 | From: Paper Street | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ginger Yellow
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Test your urinal etiquette here.
Posts: 12612 | From: London | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Big Dave's Gusset
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A couple of years ago I was refused entry to Tiger Tiger in Piccadilly becuase I was wearing jeans. I was quite relieved, I didn't want to go in anyway, as I'd heard that those rational people who stay within its sleazy walls for longer than a few minutes turn to thoughts of self-harm.

One of my companions protested that there were people already inside wearing jeans, at which point a person I presumed to be the manager stepped forward and said: "To be honest, we expect a certain type of person at Tiger Tiger, and its not just the jeans, it's...<looking me up and down>...the whole package..."

The whole package. Everything about me wasn't good enough to get into his establishment.

Bastards

Posts: 2991 | From: Duck Island | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The_Liquidator
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I imagine it's because you weren't a big enough of a cunt to go in.
Posts: 6801 | From: The city to the sticks | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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