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Author Topic: Help Me Pull
what's his name, the number 10....
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Ha ha. Good luck toro. I think your chat-up technique may need work though, unless again she has no choice but to accompany you along a dark road for hours and hours until there are no other people to kiss for miles.
Posts: 4145 | From: acts of manual sexual altruism | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Crusoe
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I did something very similar Hof, but without the success. There was a gorgeous girl who used the same computer lab as I did to write her essays, absolutely breathtaking she was. I cracked one day and, determined to be more man than mouse, went over to her, said hi (quietly, like, didn't want to embarrass her publically), and (not really having prepared much to say in advance) how she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

With the benefit of hindsight I probably should have, you know, asked her out or something, but made a hasty exit. And then had to return, red-faced, ten minutes later, to pick up the bag I'd left at the desk next to hers.

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Spence Broughton
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I found on a table in a cafe once a note that had been left by the previous occupant. It read something like:

'Hi, I'm sorry and this is really embarrassing for me, but you were on the phone so I couldn't talk to you. I think you look lovely and I'd like to meet you. Please call me' with a phone number.

The fact that this had been left behind didn't suggest that the note-writing was quite so successful in this case.

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The Batebe of Toro Foundation
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#10 - That was one time.

You will be pleased to know that I was expediting matters in much more timely fashion last night. And, again, having drinks bought for me, which is an unexpected but thoroughly welcome development.

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Crusoe
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Oh, and on the dating theme I had to resurrect this brilliant post by Big Dave's Gusset:

quote:
Bloody hell, it's a good job I'm around to help you out, Steveeeeeeeee. These guys are talking crazy. As a man who has slept with over 7 women, I think I know a liiiittle bit about the art of seduction. Just use a few of these killer tricks, and you will be just fine:

1. Before the film

- You've mentioned that the lady in question is a few years younger than you. This may be a potential banana skin. To counter any problems this may throw your way, you need to prove that you still know where it's at. When she turns up to meet you (yes, you will be there first, women love punctuality) try whistling the tune of a song currently in the pop charts. When she enquires what tune it is, nonchalantly say, "Oh that? That's the new one from The Simply Reds". This will melt any fears she has about an age gap and put her at ease immediately. Round one to Steveeeeeeee.

- TG's approach is direct, but I suggest a more patient build up. She knows you are a man, and that you have dirty sex needs, but you need to prove to her that you are in touch with the way that 21st century women feel, and what could be more feminine than a bra? Yes, whilst you are queuing up for your tickets, whisper to your date your guess at the size of the bra that every woman that passes by is wearing. "34C, darling...34B...trainer bra...36D...". She will be staggered. Steveeeeeeeee, round 2 is now in the bag, and you can proceed to round 3. (if you are feeling brave, try guessing bush colour too, although this is more tricky).

- If there is one thing women love, it is loud, over-competitive men. Look at all the girls that hang round footballers and models. Once you have got your tickets, challenge her to take you on at an arcade game. Once the game starts, there can be no quarter given, as this is the first test of your masculinity. Under no circumstances should you let her win, you have to destroy her. Once you have defeated her, scream at her, "In your face, you stupid loser girl!" and then throw your head back and laugh a deep belly laugh. Women. Like. Winners, Steveeeeeeeee. Should the unthinkable happen, and you lose, you need to think of an excuse. Make out that your joystick is fucked and that it's a fucking stupid game for fucking kids anyway. This should buy you some time, and you should pounce on the uncomfortable silence by moving directly to...

-...the refreshments area! Now is the time to show her that despite being a serious, rough and tumble, bra expert, you are also a comedy genius. You'll need props. Go to the drinks area and pick up two cups. Put them over your eyes and repeat this mantra in a hilarious fly voice: "Bzzzzzz! My name izzzzz Steveeeeeeeee! I am a fly! Buzzzzzz! I am going to eat all your sweets! I am going to eat your plop! Buzzzzzz!". If this doesn't make her laugh don't panic. The continental idea of humour isn't as sophisticated as ours, (where, for example, is the Portuguese version of 'Keeping Up Appearances'?) and you should just put it down to experience. Anyway, while you are there you might as well get some popcorn for The Horse's suggestion.

-Burp all the Millwall songs you can think of. Women go mad for musicians, and your connection to The Lions will give you an earthy, urban feel. Very cool.

2. The Film.

- She hasn't come out with you to watch a big telly, Steveeeeeeeee, she wants to hear what you've got to say. Therefore, you should talk throughout the whole film. People will try to stop you, but you have to be strong, the success of the evening depends on your ability to talk constantly for two hours. Oh, you'll have to speak up because everyone will be really shouting at you, It's probably best that you drink half a litre of vodka before the date actually, it will help loads for this bit.

- Keep asking her if she likes your watch.

- Point out every plot hole in the film you are watching. This should be easy, as you have chosen a film that I understand heavily features talking animals. "Tsk! Animals can't talk, everyone knows that!" would be a good start. Also, every time they mention "Madagascar", point out how the Americans say it funny. Every time. do not drop a stitch, or she will think you don't mean it. You should also point out that, although you like animation, you prefered the early stuff, like Steamboat Willie. Anyone who doesn't find the idea of a mouse sailing a steamboat absolutely hilarious is not worth any more of your time.

- Try the popcorn cock thing.

After the film.

- If she's gone for the popcorn cock thing, then the deal is already in the bag and you will probably both be under arrest. However, if it hasn't worked, then this is the time that you must come into your own. This is the time for lies. Sympathy Shag is such an unpleasant expression for an act that has made me the stud muffin I am today. If she found your performance in the cinema unusual, you can use it to your advantage. Explain that you have a brain tumour the size of an alarm clock, that this is your last night on earth, and you want to spend it in her arms. When you call her next week, she may be surprised to hear from you. Simply point out that you are on a course of anti-biotics and it seems to be clearing up. However, if you are going to fake a terminal illness to seal the deal, remember not to use anything that may be contagious, and especially nothing to do with your knob, as it will already by covered in popcorn. An alternative is to tell her that you are going off to war. Again, ensure that you pick the right team, especially as she is a sensitive vegetarian. "I'm going to join a military junta in South America which will be burning down villages and chopping up kittens" is not the way to go. How about "I'm going on a deadly mission to SAVE kittens FROM an evil military junta in South America".

If all this doesn't work then I'm at a complete loss, Steveeeeeeeee. I suppose you could try some of the things the others have suggested, but they all sound a bit far-fetched to me.

Good luck, soldier.


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die grosse linke Hand
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Wear all your cycling gear and offer her a backie to her next lecture.
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You Are The Ref
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Important- cycling gear must include bicycle.
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My name is Mumpo
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quote:
having drinks bought for me, which is an unexpected but thoroughly welcome development
Well, there you go, buy her one back and you've exchanged fluids. Job done.
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lyra
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Aww. I once did the intermediary thing - my friend had fallen for this very lovely girl who came to the same lectures, and I went and asked her out on his behalf. Then her friend asked me if my other friend would go out with him. Neither one went anywhere but that's not the point really, it's the possibility that makes these things so lovely. and I have to say the one or two times something similar happened to me it was delightful. and this stuff just doesn't seem to happen in real post-student life. Unless you count the ads in the paper where people try to contact people they fancy from the tube.
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Dr. Hofzinser
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Always good to read BDG's fanastic post again. That line about the "Simply Reds" cracks me up.
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Dr. Hofzinser
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So true, lyra - there's something about uni life that lends itself to that sort of thing. Working life just doesn't have as many possibilities nor the same frisson.
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Crusoe
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Heh. My friend Jen played intermediary when I fancied this lass who was a regular at the same indie club I went to on Fridays (known as "Roxette girl" for hair-related reasons). Didn't end well.
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lyra
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Oh you just reminded me of another one. I introduced one of my friends to someone who was mates with my sister. A year later and she's a single mother. Oops.
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Hieronymus Bosch
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Working life just doesn't have as many possibilities nor the same frisson.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever go out with somebody you work with.

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Nishlord
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Don't listen to them, Toro, drop a note. One that says "I WANT FUCK, WOMAN". Or "CHEWBACCA WANTS SOME CUNT".

[ 18.09.2007, 16:19: Message edited by: Nishlord ]

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