This is kind of a difficult post to make, and yet it’s also one of the easiest I've ever written. For years I’ve been on or around this forum and in that time some of the posts people have made here have been both humbling and incredibly empowering. People have shown incredibly courage in been stunningly frank about problems they’ve faced and in turn many of us, myself included, have been privileged to benefit from the warmth and the love surrounding us. In the past I’ve come to otf to wail about life’s vicissitudes and the arbitrary way in which life’s cards can fall. Collectively otf seems to have known when to offer advice (always good) and when to just lay a comforting virtual hand on my shoulder (always welcome).
It’s because of this that I feel I owe it to otf, to all of otf, to share this with you almost as early as I talked it through with immediate family. A New Year is a time for dealing with things – making a new , fresh start and putting right all those things that have been naggingly wrong for so long.
For so very, very long.
Well, 2008 is going to be different.
For some time I have been feeling uncomfortable with who I am. Actually, that’s not true.I’m comfortable with who I am. I’ve been uncomfortable with what I’ve been pretending to be. With the role that society has decreed I play.
At every step I am confronted with my so-called aberrant status. With not conforming to what nature and society demanded of me the moment I was born. Every official transaction I make, every form I fill out, my birth certificate, my passport and my marriage certificate. They’re all there, reminding me that what should be is not. But I have decided enough is enough. I am no longer going to run from this – I’m going to acknowledge it, first privately, then domestically and finally publicly. I want you all to know that I am really not what you thought. I am an Aquarius, trapped in a Libra’s body.
There, I’ve said it and now I’m shaking like a leaf.
Oh, if you knew how difficult it’s been. Every year on the 8th of October smiling as people give me birthday greetings when inside each card is like a dagger to my heart. The only time I could ever feel free and comfortable would be on days between 21st of January and 19th of February. Any moment that the wife and kids were out of the house and I was alone I’d undress and put on my “Birthday Boy!” t-shirt. I’d go and watch myself in the mirror as I sang “happy birthday” to myself. Or I’d just listen to “Float On” and weep.
Oh, I tried to fight it – I did my best to conform – I would do my best to be even-handed and fair-minded. I’d pretend to be outgoing and gregarious, diligent and trustworthy. But it was a lie, all of it. I just wanted to be independent-spirited and zesty, honest and reliable.
The GLW has been utterly supportive throughout this difficult time. She has promised to join me in celebrating my birthday on the 28th of January from now on. The kids don’t understand it really. “Is daddy going to have two birthday parties? Is he going to be like the queen?” asked YMG. Such innocence. I broke down and wept. Typical Aquarius.
I would hope that you will be equally accommodating over the coming weeks and months. It’s likely to be a difficult time as I will shortly be undergoing an extensive programme of Zodiac Realignment Therapy. It may well mean that I’ll be difficult to be around. Mood swings are often reported as a side effect. Also greatly increased gullibility. But I think that with all your help I can get through this.
As a lesbian trapped in a straight man's body, I can only offer you the profoundest support in this time. Be strong! The world is wrong, not you.
Posts: 17027 | From: your gaff, nicking stuff. | Registered: Oct 2002
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Blimey, PG, I can only sympathise. I'm already an Aquarius, so can understand why you yearn to be one so desperately. Stick in there, mate, we'll be here for you.
Posts: 15858 | From: this corner of the bar you can only see half of the big screen | Registered: Aug 2003
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Recently, thanks to the efforts of a local man with a set of historical parish maps and too much time on his hands, it transpired that I, along with anyone else born in the Medway Towns west of Rainham, was not (as I had been brought up) a Man of Kent, but a Kentish Man: a "Wrongsider".
At first I was confused, angry even. But then I thought of the urges I'd been having since childhood (like surrendering myself to Normans*) and gradually became overcome by a glorious feeling of liberation.
(* Wisdom, Collier and Whiteside. In that order.)
[ 26.12.2007, 23:28: Message edited by: Alderman Barnes ]
Posts: 4862 | From: the home of the Herzmeister | Registered: May 2002
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Speaking as a true Libran, I find PG's confession deeply troubling. To be honest, rather than supporting you in your moment of shame, your family ought to be seeking therapy for you, and getting you booked in for some sort of treatment, preferably the type that involves lots of electric shocks and deeply debilitating drugs. Most people aspire to Libranism, seek to become Librans even though the very stars are against them, but you turn your back on your birthright and get into bed with a bunch of wishy-washy, wussy Februarians. You turncoat, you blaggard. You should be ashamed of yourself.
On behalf of all Librans, including Margaret Thatcher of course, I shun you. You cease to exist for me. I think. Actually, I can't quite decide on this issue, to be honest.
Posts: 8617 | From: the safe house | Registered: May 2002
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