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» One Touch Football - Archive » World » Utterly Useless Skills (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Utterly Useless Skills
G-Man
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I can also touch my nose with the tongue, just about. And I can roll my tongue, which some people apparently can't.

Actually, those are not useless attributes at all. They have caused some people great happiness.

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Gangster Octopus
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hobbes, for one...
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Fatbastard, Hugh Fatbastard
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I can recognise obscure, crappy impersonations :

If you're going to the supermarket, could you get me a pound of Dallmayer-Prodomo?

Oooo.. isn't that that bloke what lives next to that twat what posts on the interweb ?

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WornOldMotorbike
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How this one:


(Right...it's the short old bald guy from the Benny Hill skits.)

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treibeis
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Oooo.. isn't that that bloke what lives next to that twat what posts on the interweb ?

You must have heard somebody else doing it. The dead neighbour that I impersonate was female.

That's what makes it so femur-snappingly funny, you see. That and the words "Dallmayer-Prodomo". If I do it using another type of coffee - Tchibo Feine Milde, for example - I get bottled off stage before I've reached the question mark.

[ 03.01.2008, 17:21: Message edited by: treibeis ]

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Eggchaser
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quote:
I can also touch my nose with my tongue.
I can do that. And I can roll my tongue. Do you love me too, hobbes?
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G-Man
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Eggchaser is my evil twin.
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Andy C
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I'm sure I could touch Lyra's nose with my tongue too, given the opportunity.
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Wyatt Earp
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quote:
Actually, those are not useless attributes at all. They have caused some people great happiness.
On the other hand, they're not really "skills", are they?
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WornOldMotorbike
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That's subtle.

[to Andy C]

[ 03.01.2008, 17:52: Message edited by: WornOldMotorbike ]

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Rogin the Armchair fan
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I can recite the result of every FA Cup Final from 1923 to the present day. I do it to music, actually, accompanied by a banjo.

I can also touch my left ear with my left hand, which doesn't sound so brilliant, except I do it after wrapping my arm behind my head first. I've only met one other person who shared that near-double-jointed ability, or at least one other person who wasn't so horrified by the spectacle of me showing them how to do it that they dared try themselves.

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G-Man
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The way I employ these attributes require skill, Wyatt. But then they are not useless.
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Amor de Cosmos
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I can set cold type.

We all do that pretty much every day Tim. A you sure you don't mean hot type (ie: metal type?)

As to useless skills. I can produce a heraldically accurate coat of arms to College of Arms standards. Of course I've never been asked to do it so there's a very slight chance I'm wrong.

I'm pretty sure I can reproduce the design of every British record label from the 1960s too.

<God this is embarrassing!>

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Heston Bee
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At secondary school we had a really strict, dour maths teacher. He took great pleasure in giving people detentions for wearing trainers in class, or giving black marks to anyone who, however accidental, trod on the 2 square foot of grass outside of his temporary classroom. I'd been put off maths by the previous teacher who made no attempt to teach us anything and set us mundane, elementary exercises in class and as homework. Mr Strict Teacher though, was different, he gave us difficult exercises but without sufficiently explaining how to do any of them, suplanting method with an eccentric forgetfulness not out of place in the senility thread. One lesson though is memorable; he, for a reason long forgotten, decided that he would pull out his ancient accordian from the small cupboard at the front of the class (where he, allegedly, kept his cane to threaten really misbehaving kids with) and spent the double period teaching the entire class to recite the alphabet backwards to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star. I can still remember it.
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WornOldMotorbike
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I've been a 'car guy' since I was a kid, and pretty much that's all I do when I'm driving is gawk at other cars. For years, I've been able to tell what almost any car is (make and model) just by seeing a small detail of it (like a tail-light, or the roofline, or the c-pillar).
Useful when witnessing hit and runs, or bank-robbery getaways.

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