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» One Touch Football - Archive » Film » Stupid things in sci-fi films (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Stupid things in sci-fi films
Pietro Paolo Virdis
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In Star Wars, the very first one made, episode IV. When at the end they’re making a run with the fighters on the death star to fire those plasma, photon or whatever torpedoes down that hole to have the death star blow up, those formations are stupid!

If we begin with the X-wings
They’re formed something like this, with only a few yards between them
They’re moving in this direction ^

.....X
X..........X

- Cover me, the lead one says, and that’s how they position themselves. Eh, cover, how, for what, rain coming in horizontally and diagonally from behind?
How do the bastards cover anything!?

The cannons along the path stop firing because, see, coming in behind them is Darth Vader with two wing men. They’re even more stupid.

(-)....(-)....(-)

Before Vader even gets out there in a donut ring, or whatever his fighter is called, he’s complaining that the other are all scattered and don’t stay in position. So he commands two pilots to get out there. Diving down that path Darth Vader tells them: “do not break up the formation”, or something like that. Then he tells them “these ones are mine”, meaning the X-wings they're on the tail of.

So, Mr.darkhelmeted idiot, what’s the point with them staying in their position, if they’re not going to do shite? You get a hard-on being in the middle of a donutfigher threesome, being in a space sandwich? If you want the X-lads down, let your wing men shoot for Jabba the fuck’s sake.

So now we have three imperial donutfighters where only one is shooting, at three X-wings where two make no sense except to get shot at in their arse. Instead of breaking out of formation, doing a loop, hit the breaks, do whatever, and take on those damn donuts chasing the bloke in the middle fully busy concentrating on hitting with the torpedoes.

Idiots! If I was in charge I'd give them a proper bollocking for wasting X-wings like that.

[ 16.12.2007, 01:53: Message edited by: Pietro Paolo Virdis ]

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Crusoe
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Best post ever.

And why did they have to fly down that trench anyway?

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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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Why can Darth Vader Jedi-choke to death one of his commanders who have failed while he watches him over a screen, but he can't can't Jedi-choke, say Chewbacca running down a space dock?
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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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This is one of my favourite stupid.

 -

Oy, lad, nevermind the year is 4680, or something, that we can travel at the speed of light, don't have to worry about floating around in our spaceships because we invented the anti-wobblytron, and can produce death stars, and even holografic zoomable maps of these, but sorry, we will have to put you up in a tower with a spear to warn us if something's approaching these woods

[ 16.12.2007, 02:15: Message edited by: Pietro Paolo Virdis ]

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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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must share this again
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Tee-Rex
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Laughter and applause here for Ganja's 2:07 post.
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Don Malhumorado
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The year 4028? "A long time ago, in a galazy far, far away".
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Croute au fromage et oeuf au plat
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Ah, send that rant to the Clerks director, he might include it!
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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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EIM, you Jesus nerd. It’s thousands of years after something else, not Jesus, dude! It's Skywalker, not Waterwalker.

Something that's been bothering me. How much time passes between the end of Star Wars episode V and the beginning of episode VI?

Landon Calrissian manages to learn Jabba the Hut talk, Luke Spacemosey goes from hardly knowing how to stand on his hands to being able to mindtrick, and a new death star is almost finished.

New stupid things:
Lube Spacecowboy can get distant items to fly to him, or he can get items to fly at people, but stood against the approaching Rancor, against a wall below Jabba’s throne, he has to pick up a rock and throw it at the button, dropping the gate, almost missing. Why the shite can’t he make a rock fly 5 yards at a giant button if he can make an X-wing rise from a swamp?

It’s the year 4080, or something. Is there a problem programming R2D2 so that he makes some bloody sense? He sounds like a crazy frog ringtone on rohypnol.

How the hell did Jabba the Hut gain so much power and keep contenders at bay? He can’t bloody move, at a 100m race he’d be beaten by the starter blocks runners come out off, he’s so fat it’s even an effort for him to swallow the semi-dead spacesquid he picks up from the bowl, he looks like something you’d bully anywhere in space, and he doesn’t carry a weapon

If princess Leia can strangel him within a few seconds with that chain, why didn’t anyone else?

Another favourite returns
Triumph the insult dog messing with Star Wars fans

[ 17.12.2007, 12:23: Message edited by: Pietro Paolo Virdis ]

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Guy Potger
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Huh?

Surely it all took part in the distant past?

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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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Yeah, but in a galaxy far, far away, dude.

Dude!

It's 17 December 2007 today, right?

Well, right only if you're following our western calender.

But if you follow this, the Iranian...

Then all of a sudden it's the 26th, Azar 1386.

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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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Get with the program. Everybody knows that the year in sci-fi flicks is always a higher number than the year they were made.
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Pietro Paolo Virdis
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quote:
And why did they have to fly down that trench anyway?
This is a very good point. Why couldn't they just have dived down directly at the end of that trench?
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Antonio Gramsci
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I've a different problem with Star Wars, which is the terrible, terrible racism suffered by Wookies.

These are technologically sophisticated creatures. Chewbacca co-pilots and does repairs to the Millennium Falcon, fer chrissakes. And they manage this despite having a vocabulary limited to grunts and yowls, which is pretty impressive.

But they are treated like dirt. Phrases like "I'd rather kiss a wookie" or "get this walking carpet out of my way" are regularly bandied about. Absolutely no one bothers to speak to Chewbacca inhis own language despite the fact that everyone appears to be fluent enough in it that they always understand what he says.

I like to think that in Part VII, once the danger from the Empire has passed, that Chewbacca becomes a civil rights activist, pointing out the hypocrisy of maintaining these racist attitudes in a post-imperial Galaxy.

However, while becoming head of this opressed ethnic association, he could become corrupted by the activities he finds it necessary to conduct to keep his group afloat. Think Gandhi meets the Godfather - with blasters!

In Part VIII, Helena Bonham Carter (sexiest woman ever to wear a chimp suit and wear a lot of facial hair) could arrive to play the part of Diane Keaton, which would be excellent.

[ 18.12.2007, 08:50: Message edited by: Antonio Gramsci ]

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ian .64
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Lah, de darwin!
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